Observing a process will change IT.

apocalyse now.

2011-10-23T00:50:00.001-07:00

everyone gets everything he wants. what i wanted was a mission. and for my sins, they gave me one........brought it up to me like room service.

debunking martingale

2011-10-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Odds of losing (or winning) a 50-50 x times in a row is simply 0.5^x

So 5 is 0.5^5 = 1/32
10 is 0.5^10 = 1/1024 etc...

Games of Chance
Have you ever seen have a streak of bad luck in a game of chance? They often become aggressive players, believing "I'm due!" These people make a common mistake, believing that the past affects odds in the future. It usually doesn't.

The Odds of a Coin Toss

Let's start with the simplest game of chance, a fair coin toss. On any given coin toss, there's a 1 in 2 chance that heads will come up, and there's also a 1 in 2 chance that tails will come up.

What are the odds that heads will come up twice in a row? It's 1 in (2 * 2). 1 in 4. The odds that heads will come up 3 times in a row? 1 in 8. 4 times? 1 in 16. 5 times? 1 in 32. You get the idea.

So imagine a gambler has been betting tails each time. Remember, tails never fails!

First toss, heads comes up. The gambler loses.

Second toss, heads comes up. The gambler loses again.

Third toss, heads comes up. The gambler loses again.

Fourth toss, heads comes up. The gambler loses again.

Fifth toss, heads comes up. The gambler loses again.

Chance Analysis

First, the gambler has had terrible "luck". As we know, the odds of the gambler losing 5 straight coin tosses is 1 in 32. (Note: The gambler's odds are the same whether he chose heads, tails, or any combination of the two.) The gambler knows the odds of losing 5 times in a row is 1 in 32, and he isn't pleased.

But the gambler also knows, that there's only a 1 in 64 chance of losing 6 coin tosses in a row. He's due! He decides to bet even more thinking that the 1 in 64 chance will never happen.

Is the Gambler Correct?

The gambler is making a common mistake. The coin came up heads 5 times in a row? It will never come up a 6th time. There's only a 1 in 64 chance of heads coming up on 6 times in a row.

Is the gambler correct? What are the odds that the 6th coin toss will be heads?

True Odds

The gambler is wrong. The previous 5 coin tosses have no bearing on the 6th toss. Each is an independent trial. Like the first toss, the odds of the 6th toss being heads is 1 in 2. The gambler thinks he's due, but he's no more due than he was on the first toss.

Conclusion

Now you know the truth about the odds behind a hot or cold streak. Next time you hear somebody say, "I'm due," you'll know that they really aren't! Don't get caught making the same mistake! by Scott Schlimmer

seeking resolution

2011-10-16T00:48:00.000-07:00

most importantly. a fundamental apprehension of this lays waste to the most widely accepted models of popular thought.

simply put, the facts change. truth is a dream. change appears to be constant. language, while useful, is ultimately limited, and potentially destructive and isolating. semantics rules the day.

oh and love, well love is freedom. more correctly = the meaning of love appears to be best incorporated in the term freedom. at least it seems that way to me. =]

so if you ever wanted a concrete answer for 'why is it better to know *some* of the questions rather than *all* the answers...then apparently you need to ask more questions. so there.

i am consuming copious amounts of alan watts recently. loved the guy for years now but decided to collect and review EVERYTHING i can get my mittens on recorded or printed. result? confirmation and ALOT of reminding. i will soundcloud the highlights sometime soon.

most of everything i believe to know and care to interpret, expound upon, or simply pass along at this point i owe directly to robert anton wilson, alan watts, john c lily, e j gold, terrence mckenna, and alfred korzybski, among others. oh, daniel goleman and fritjof capra. in case you ever wondered and even if you didn't.

that-s entertainment

2011-10-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

ok, so a few things/questions...you might not know/might also be wondering about. i am enlightened/enlightening. LUCKY YOU =] - - - - - IT TURNS OUT I AM *UNPOPULAR*. something has been bothering me for 37 years now. i mean really bothering me. like this little pebble rock thing in my shoe, always there always reminding me no matter where i am what i am doing...IT TURNS OUT I AM UNPOPULAR. seriously, that sucks. HOWEVER, i am still a part of the major winner crowd!!! isn't that amazing!? i don't know how it happens like that but apparently it DOES. my sister said i wasn't properly 'socialized' as a small child. whatever. btw, what's the deal with the host stand and my secret crushes?? its 9 am and i am AWAKE!!! woo hoo...!

soundcloud? yep, right here. this could get interesting. i am not saying it will. but it could. you wanna hope? hello, martha. =] hello world. whatever...world.

no sleep, no problems

2011-10-10T14:46:00.000-07:00

last night was remarkable, and the fact i am anxious to share this with you is remarkable in itself. i guess i just miss everyone. yep, EVERYONE. the fact that i had ZERO sleep last nite worked out perfectly. the world loved me. they were eating out of my hand and i wasn't even that funny. i really could stand to be funnier. this just goes to show you how much i worry about my tables. and its not just about the money. i had been doing FINE all week but i felt like a real dick. but not yesterday. yesterday i was gorgeous. anyway i had a little over $300 in sales @ 6:30 and by 9 i had over $1100. like i said pretty remarkable. so for the record, no sleep = no self consciousness. i had suspected that i had been getting too much sleep, and i was right. apparently sleeping makes me feel like an asshole. glad i got that figured out.

walking talking question mark

2011-10-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

i speak to the rooms in my apartment like children. i apologize, i console, and i make promises i am not sure i can keep. i move my bed into the dining room at 2:30 am and lament the insomnia...or is it the loneliness? i used to care less. now i worry...will it always be like this?

i yearn for a transformation, but a little passion would suffice. it's still not time however, and i am weary of my impatience and even more of my indecision. my youth has failed me, and the past seems trivial and yet still mocking. i have traded caprice for couches. my once quixotical heart gives way to a polluted complacency.

hello blog, where ya been?

2011-09-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

i saw the horrors last night. first show i had been to since going to see deerhunter with andrew almost three years ago. that is crazy. it was pretty awesome, really glad i went. lucky for me fitzgeralds is a stones throw from my apartment. junior boys on the 29th which is a saturday and i will have to work. i guess i could ride my bike to dallas for the friday show. kidding. i've got rapture on my calender too. yeah i'm cool again. =]

transpo dollar

2009-08-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

i inhale the girl with the transpo dollar
a bill my secret to make them holler
for tips not even enough to save the lincoln
an innocent five, slow skeptics are drinkin'
they fold, as they're told
and an em cee controls
who the doc holds
and where the bill goes
sleighting money from a suspect
the probability fifty fifty
so trapeezee, my knees.
i guess right the dundee.
a pause and then a snap, two hearts close the gap
your reality within a map, another mind caught in a trap

sunbathing w/upstairs pt.1

2009-04-16T02:02:00.000-07:00

i drink ultraviolet radiation
amongst ragweed and dandelion, while
waterlogged one by fours
heckle my insecurities

i am tempted to retrace the steps leading into this, yet another, transit.
could it be i will always be in the station, waiting for someone.
it seems now that even my transitions have transitions.
and there is no imperrative.

my children don't understand they are mine and, i don't feel i am theirs.
whats left besides bus exhaust, an empty stomach, and tired gazes?

i knew all this before i left, but i felt i had no choice.
of course i had a choice. it seems the fantasy was attached like a ligament
i could not move without it.

i do not belong, and i am ok.

a fresh start

2008-04-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

sun bleached and forgotten, magnetic ribbons are all faded now
support is withdrawn, because there is nothing worth watching on television

keywords, inspirations, etc. [2007]

2007-10-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

shiny blue linoleum, shampoo mohawk, frosted flakes, closet with a view, policy of hennesy, orenthal james pekoe, earl gray, william ding, royal pita, ghost with the most, rainbow napalm, cherry coloured funk, like a sheepfold door, pocket of ants, gun bluing, activated charcoal, little spotted dragonfly, butterfly tempura, planned obselesence, inimitable symphony, locusts and wild honey, filling up corners, paraclete, barnabas, galilee, queer boots, dirty spaghetti, self projected intelligence reconnisance and infiltration technique, activated charcoal, ethnobotany of shamanism, cognitive hallucination, disconfirmation, datura, ibogaine, face is index of mind, existential galaxy, my utmost for his highest, righteous fruit, plastic placenta, digital womb, bride of darwin, winking jesus, connect the dots, rivers of mascara, delicate place, god is on the phone, worlds smallest violin, rot ram egg fin, brakefluid, danny ray tuggle band, ceramic mother, bible distillation fractionation and interpretation services, better living through chemistry, bubbles for your troubles, free cookies, dancing about architecture, no talent hack, cognitive science, comedy of errors, illogical by design, paranoia that is devine, pills like spangles, its the droplet, common sense, brillo confetti, sincerity is NOT enough, art for sound, intelligent pigeons, ultra deep field, ```CLOSETBREAK```, get along lil doggie, p2p, qowtq, tijuana mama, apparent magnitude, extraordinary children, chinese chicken, more frosted flakes, i prefer blueberry, the ramen bible, explodingdog, icosahedrons, little china girl, where birds are, gen SAS, jack colby, braintax, antonio fugra, joseph coriander, ivan basil justice, georges, i want my dog back, its always the last time, escariot was a lover, pocket of ants, hot chip, matthew herbert, william blake, the marriage of heaven and hell, asking not telling, paper tiger

no rain

2007-01-16T04:05:00.000-08:00

There is little else I prefer than to be here with you, however much it may be the notion of some contractually obligated angel or bored karma dealing demon. As long as I can be at least 50%, I can sit here and smile at this incompleteness, possibly to shiver with the same degrees of revel as that of self-pity at a breath left on the glass.

I have considered my epilogue often in these days of surrender long before ink and paper ever dreamed to be reconciled, a convict and its lover. But the question begged as it often must, how much would be written in a cathartic lust, a last caress of my mind laying naked across anyone’s screen. Well, someone’s screen. Perhaps, I might even find out once and for all whether you truly ever cared or loved one another. Truly of course, being at least 50%.

It was only until this moment (huh?) that I realized the answer might never be enough – or less, to properly inspire my last words. So I have chosen to move forward despite this lack of unpretentious, self-less progress and stay for a while longer, if only to stumble again or lose another sandwich to a harried chemical endowment.

pandora indeed

2006-05-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

hope is just a word. Absurd! if words were really just that, now there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. would there be?

"hope", you could say, truly embodies the paradox of language as well as one word possibly could. that i might agree with.

ah! these prisons, our maps!! and our hearts seem to travail in these two dimensions, more oblivious than aware of the governance of its condition. yet, the solution is at hand. it is! we can...

san francisco, no underwear

2006-05-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

maybe i should have planned better. perhaps if i even believed i could make it to san antonio before running out of gas and money, much less san Francisco. yet here i am six days later - gas and burritos financed by san william =].

what does it say about a person when strangers and perfect acquaintances treat them with more understanding and interest than friends and family. i think it says to hit the road, jack. so i did. yes, i'm being cynical, and i only have my own personal history and pride to blame for not asking help in my relocation. Still, the fact i made it safely gives me a resolve sleeping on the street cannot fade. if this were my only problem i might not even be authoring my thoughts at this moment from the back seat of my car. again - we make the reasons, they don’t just fall out of the sky. so it could be...i don't know - relevant to my future here in the east bay, that the job i came here for is in doubt.

if a place were only colored by its terrain and elevations i would have to say this is one gorgeous roller coaster. the people leave their own impressions as well, and they too have run from the heights of generosity offered by my co-workers and outright rudeness of people on the street and in the markets.

eh, let the seagulls laugh at me. paranoia may creep, but hope courses along the interstate and parks its barely legal ass in the heart of opportunity in spite of all that may not be right, today.

the future

2006-01-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

i'm afraid i might be living in the past. not that the past was so terrific, or ever all that great. so things haven't been fair, so what. i have to face the fact that sometimes i didn't know i was wrong, when clearly i was. i can't expect everyone else to be always right and fair right when obviously i haven't. what i am saying is, people make mistakes, including me. i got my heart broke, it was something i had to do. i'm not saying i wanted it to happen, i'm saying i had to take that chance. is it really possible for me to just forgive beth and myself without some water passing under the bridge. is anyone that grown up? i really have to wonder if i would have felt this way or even put myself in that position to be loved or rejected if it were not for noah. but does that really matter eithier? i didn't think so. so what does mater is if i can start being able to live with myself better from this point forward. its just so easy to be unhappy and angry and well, blameless. but i really do know better. i've made some bad decisions, and really i knew beth didn't love me, not like i loved her. all i can do now is let her be noah's mother and hopefully i can be a decent father. decent meaning to keep my promises, be responsible, and take better care of myself. it sounds so easy but it never is. i've really had some serious doubts about my character lately. more serious than i have ever had before. if that isn't a sign of things needing to change then there will never be one. i don't think i have ever felt so lonley. i've never felt so insecure about work or being responsible in general. i guess because its never been more important.

dear noah

2005-12-19T01:40:00.000-08:00

did i ever tell you how different things are now? i know i have told you how awesome scooter is. scooter rules. i should be ashamed, i let my brother dogknap him. i miss scooter. i really didnt want to talk about scooter though. but, boy do i love me some scooter. you know who i love more though? more than anything or anyone in the world? YOU.

i never felt like this in my life. like something was really and truly more important than me. technically it is me, but its not. just something that i am a part of - and now i feel like its being taken away. i was convinced i didnt deserve to be a dad. dads should have their lives together and have a better idea of who they are than i do - but you know what? it doesn't matter now because your already here. and maybe its wrong but you give me reason to become that person that does deserve to be as close to you as possible and that deserves your love and respect. there is nothing in the world that i want more.

i'm so sad, i just want so badly to be there and i can't. not like how i want. like right now. i want you so much closer. i'm afraid i need you too much. i dont know what i should do without you. when i look at you everything becomes important. what i do matters. now, even i matter. not like before i knew you. not like before i loved someone more than myself. i dont understand it but its the one thing i dont feel like i should. i just do love you so much and i need you to know or nothing will ever change and i will always be lost.

i hate to be so cynical. i'm mad at myself for being unable to find some worthwhile personal context before you came into my life. i don't want to use you like that. but i promise i'm going to work on it. i've got to. don't worry i am full of ideas. its just making them become more than ideas that is hard. i have got so much to tell you really. things i should have already said. i know you wont understand for a long time to come but i have to live with myself now.

i love your mother. i love her for bringing you in to my life. i love her for demanding more of me than i have been demanding of myself. i love her even though she doesnt want me around. i just love her. she loves you so much. i could probably never do many of the things she has done for you. i know she is going to take good care of you no matter what. so i'm trying not to be mad but there is no way i can stop from being sad right now. i miss you guys.

4ever and ever amen,
dad

it's not unusual

2005-11-29T02:06:00.000-08:00

inside of two weeks i really have let things get away from me. pretty much everyone i love has become estranged, and i know why. the question remains what to do about it. i'm not nearly stressed out or as anxious as i should or have a right to be considering the state of things. i think about each of you often and yet i can't summon the courage to let you know. i don't know what i can do to change that other than try to get my life back together, but the charade has become too obvious. my life has NEVER been together. i feel exposed. my life is a sham and two weeks is an eternity. without you i am nothing.

death with cheese

2005-11-20T22:26:00.000-08:00

perhaps i am not as co-dependent as i originally determined - i think i am just simply bored, which leads to armageddon - its the cardinal sin - you know? maybe i should start jogging again. even if i will be jogging alone. people without their own phones and mortgages don't qualify to be in relationships in the first place. i mean the least i could do is get a lease and a beeper before i find another girlfriend. who knows, maybe a sleeping bag and the wide open sky will be enough one day.

lucky charm

2005-11-18T01:34:00.000-08:00

what gives? what helps?

the intuition...i'll know, i'll know...but, i won't have to be sure...that its not about a boy...although, although...they can lead you, hide or reveal to, a destination known - only by the one whose face is overgrown.

you choose, you chose - poetry over prose.

a map is more real, than where you have been, or how you feel.

...and its impossible to say how important something was, and what you might have missed out on...and how it might have changed it all.

did i? did i?

did i..........?????

Goodbye Etch-A-Sketchum

2005-11-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

You tracked upward with one knob and sideways with the other and sometimes tried a diagonal line. With more dexterity than most, you imprinted your image across my gray matter.

I carried it around with me, carefully, trying to keep you intact there.

But through some loss of focus or distraction or inattention your fingers slipped, or maybe you were tired of the toy. You made a mess you couldn’t fix, and it’s now my task to shake it away. I watch with some sadness, some fascination as the shape of you disappears in a metallic haze.

ship happens

2005-10-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

...and upon fleeting ships, who race into ambiguity from uncharted waters only to escape an occupation that might swallow whole a generation's identity.

Getting Lucky

2005-10-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I find an object that other people have rejected. It will be shoved in a corner at a garage sale or gathering dust on a thrift store shelf or sitting by the side of the road, near a heap of rubbish. Something about it will catch my eye, and I will go over and have a good long look at it. Often, I’ll see that the object is broken or ruined in some irredeemable way, so I will sigh in sympathy for it and continue on my way. But every so often, the thing is essentially ok, except for a few dents or some tarnished surfaces, and I will get excited, not only because it’s free or cheap, but because it is truly high quality—it’s something I want and would have paid a lot for if I had the money—it is lovely or interesting or unusual or fine. I think about the person who discarded this object and marvel at her obtuseness and my own good fortune. Then I take the thing home and clean it up and put it in my living room, and I feel a kind of joy that I would never have felt if I had bought it new. Because it will seem, although I know this is irrational, like that thing and I have a fateful connection.

The Murder of a Figure (of Speech)

2005-10-21T04:12:00.000-07:00

When you chance upon a metaphor
never let it stand.
Knock it down and straddle it
and slap it with your hand.
Where it lurks, you must be sure
to pursue the loathsome creature
and tackle it with all your strength
in prose, at first, but then at length
take up your pointed instrument,
your meter, and your rhyme,
and pierce and gouge the bloody beast,
hold tight to it without release,
disfigure it and do not cease
to punish it with wrath sublime.
While others capture theme and meaning
and grasp at truth with language leaning,
broach no distractions, no other fight—
the metaphor must die tonight!

pitch(ed) the baby

2005-10-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

elizabeth, world, et al.,

let me first preface all future ascertations contained herein by vowing to never EVER again waste my time and emotions on watching grown men try to hit and throw a little white ball for as long as i live, and possibly after.

i fear i may be writing these days for writing's sake and have been for much of the recent and not so recent past. should this be a problem? i'm not for certain but its obvious that my original intent has been lost for the same reasons i would choose to watch sports over spending time with family, metaprogramming, or at the very least cultivating wisdom and art in one form or another.

if i died tonight i would never see my son again. being that i have also chosen not to see him for over three weeks now, you might begin to understand why a ghost is a ghost. that is, REGRET. and i am not sure what to do about any of this. i fear that i am losing myself to any distraction within arm's reach and sacrificing my sensibilites to the dull chaos of survival and imaginations of a future where i am actually observed, understood, and loved. a place where i am a good son and a good father, far from being a baby pitcher vying for attentions like play dough in my grasp before its inevitable exposure. i know i am being dramatic (AGAIN!), and that i have to believe there will be a tomorrow, but still i ask you, what about today?

well, i have a million and one excuses for today and i can tell you every single one of them is rooted in a self conscious attempt to avoid some pain that i have dared not be held accountable for. but, i MUST...for if i can not own my pain then there truly is nothing else for me. i know this, although i can't seem to put into action other than writing here...trying to convince a ghost that the past is not the present and that forgiveness is something real and not just an idea inside a book.

all too sincerely,
brian

non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat

2005-10-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

dear houston,

people always ask, where are you from? and i don't really know what to say...i've been here since i was five years old so i might as well be from here...but i just don't really want to be...here. is that so immature? i have felt stuck here because i do some niche work in the ogc engineering design field and you are the center of the universe for that kind of thing. i have been bouncing from contract to contract here for as long as i can remember, i barely know anything different other than toiling away in the belly of the beast. can you really blame me for wanting a breath of fresh air?

i am considering a move to southern california because their is some demand for pawns like myself in that area, although i have never even travelled there which sounds silly on the surface but....i don't know...maybe i am silly. so its always in my best interest to have a paying gig a reasonable distance from where i choose to park my jalopy. i do have some semblance of standards. so i got a toll free number a little while back and started sending smoke signals out in that direction...eh it could happen.

i hear the only thing you are really good for is food and who among those who resort to bumming menthol cigareetes can afford to eat? not me. not today that is. i won't complain too much about the music, since kieran hebden just visited, but you know we got really lucky on that one.

so aside from dancing with cats and the resurrection of dead languages what is left for the young and restless? well, maybe not so young anymore, still i am restless. however, seeing that i have no degrees or other tangible skill that might assist in obtaining work beyond slinging eggs and pancakes for the local IHOP anyplace else leaves me somewhat befuddled.

its not that i have any convictions this morning, just thought i might outline an indictment and ask some questions. as it is my thoughts are stale, my coffee has grown cold, and now my cereal soggy.

...and another beautiful monday is upon us.

snap, crackle, p(l)op,
-b

nuttin. huney.

2005-10-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

*F5*,
*F5*,
*F5*,
*F5*,
*F5*,
*sigh*.....*F5*. yep.
*yawn*...ok, maybe i'm being a little dramatic. i admit it.

Ryan Patrick Huseman Darrow

2005-10-13T02:54:00.000-07:00

ok, here is the dealio, i am going to freekin bed and i dont know when i am getting back up.

first the bad news, i haven't heard shit from bayer or merichem all god damn week, and baseball is gay.

the only good news is i am visiting halliburton next week and i have two other nibbles which i will leave unnamed until i can confirm them as prospects.

my optimisim was flushed with yesternight's dinner to be honest. i'm really starting to wonder about some of the choices i have made recently, and its very unclear how the hell i am going to stay above water over the coming weeks unless i whore myself out somewhere.

and fuck, i need a haircut. AGAIN. maybe i will just shave it (my head) and tattoo a will stay up all night on the internet for food sign on my skull.

NO REFUNDS

2005-10-13T01:47:00.000-07:00

I have the most pedestrian fantasies...

2005-10-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

Hey there, I wanted to let you know I am jumping on a plane this afternoon to go visit family in Hibbings, Minnesota which would not be my first choice of destinations for a well deserved vacation but I must see my nephews and more importantly liberate my beloved rat terrier. Poor Scooter was dogknapped while in the foster care of my evil older sister who determined without fair trial that he would be happier in my brother's home and that I had lost custody when I could not commit to a date when I would be able to take him back. Well, I am going to show them.

So with that I bid you a productive week and many thanks for the help in landing the new contract. If there is any other information or digressions that require my attention please let me know!

Thanks,
Brian Blancett

I'm afraid of snakes.

2005-10-04T02:46:00.000-07:00

I want this for X-mas. If you would have been there this summer you would totally understand. TOTALLY. You know I don't go off unless its total. I'll even let you watch it with me. Goshers, I can't wait. And, YES, you should buy stuff for everyone you know and their maid when its Jesus's birthday. God damn it. Duh. Jesus's birthday is like everyone's (second) birthday. Didn't you ever for go to church for Christ's sake? Think of it however you want, just don't disappoint me this time. Bitches.

Thanks,
bb

...but seriously, um. I need a shower and some methamphetamine. So, I guess the shower will have to do. It's 4am and I am still not done. Things went pretty good at Bayer today, er yesterday. No jinxes for that I don't think. They aren't done with me though, I still have one more hoop to jump through. And I have another prospect on the hook that I scheduled for today for some silly reason when I knew I was going to be up all damn night moving the last of mom's crap and ALL of my brother's. That fucker. You seriously owe me for this you illiterate bastard!!! And I do not like being hissed at. Natalie Dee understands this. I guess I am trying to spread some optimism despite my being ornery.

Oh well, it was worth a shot.

7887

2005-09-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

A ladybug landed on
My monitor as Matthea
Harvey smiled. I longed to
Live in Brooklyn, New York then.

de nada

2005-09-27T01:51:00.000-07:00

neato mosquito! yep...that is all i got. and yes i said mosquito. i wonder how much electron microscopes go for...eh, i better not.

quack quack?

2005-09-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

i have never been a big fan of armageddon scenarios or natural disasters much less the evening news. i just dont get into that shit. i usually turn a blind eye to the turns of worms so obviously out of my control. let's face it, i have enough drama in my life as it is without getting all emotional about the weather and local crime. call me lazy and selfish.

so this whole 'Rita business is a real bummer. i mean at some point you have got to start paying attention to the fact this thing might be sitting on top of you within 48 hours. that veiled glee in the corner of Joe Weatherman's eye as he calculates worst case scenarios for would be ducks in harris county has me considering blessings i am much more comfortable taking for granted. and then conversely there is the non-blessings. yeah, and supposedly i only have myself to blame. that is just fabulous.

20 foot storm surges? make mine on the rocks with salt. cheers, kid.

last goodbye

2005-09-12T01:45:00.000-07:00

saturate regret with tooth and lip
sponge worms wash in passionate drip
swivel neck and clutch at hip
buried faces in desperate grip

petal eyelids wrinkle and flit
like a moth on a candle lit

familiar perfume of nicotine stink
furitive saliva sauce slink
bass of blood pour and then drink
never mind that its a spit sink

careful bites edge on emotional brink
too late tears paint every eye blink

if i was merely horny i would have been laid by now

2005-09-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

maybe i sealed my own fate when i reached out before it was entirely appopriate. i can never seem to get past the irony in a majority of the spaces i inhabit. like this one for instance...HELLO. how are you? glad you could be here, although i am not positive i can say the same...but i have already made some promisies and i intend to keep them despite myself. so its no huge revelation this is the new record, a clean slate of sorts, and one that has been long overdue...and as much as i thought i was a student of history, and that i had the screws tightened enough, it turns out the lessons of the past i am revisting in H fucking D.

so knowledge is not wisdom and on and on and all i can realistically do other than type my lonley soul to sleep is try and be patient. it stands to reason i could be out of the rain fairly quick given the geographyand economic climate but so many fires might leave me trapped here...a wet, sorry, knows-better animal...for a bad long time.

what i am trying to say in my long winded round about way is I AM SORRY, because when i found you it was supposed to be a better version of me, hustling the hustlers, kissing babies like a canidate, and turning strangers into disciples on a whim and a smile. instead its deja vu all over again except i am older and even more crafty in my self-annihilation than ever.

I shall proceed...

2005-09-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

People don't come because you grandiose muthafuckers don't play the shit that they like. When you play the shit that they like then the people will come. Simple as that.

Do you understand the difference between Elvis Presley and The Beatles? If you think you do then try to understand me...I never said I was an original, and I may or may not have thought it at one time or another, and I might have expressed in one form or another about .00001 percent of the time I have spent on this dizzying fleeting falling rock of place I have been so blessed to exist upon. BUT, (and yes it is a big one) while I do prefer to be challenged where many things in life are concerned, I have often fallen prey to eithier laziness or lack of brillance. Now where in some reality that may serve as blame fodder or as an excuse for future indiscretion, for you my love I will only dish accountability. With any luck it will only be the appetizer but for now it really is the only thing on the menu.

..and try not to worry...I'll be around.

who is John Galt?

2005-08-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

i swear by my knife and my love of it that i will never live for the cake of another man, nor ask another to cut mine.

the promise

2005-08-15T06:49:00.000-07:00

could you...or, would you accept this unusual invitation to think backwards from the safety of now...to become a memory...and lay in my bed once again. travel back to those fleeting moments where I still live in your mind waiting like an unopened book...and as those haunting melodies return...where before you heard your own critical self-chatter, this time you instead allow every defense...and every doubt...all inclinations of judgement to escape back into absurdity...and like magic within the depths of your own naked self acceptance your are able to see me there beside you as I truly am...wanting to hold you...but afraid. When you determined that transmitting my poetry was ridiculous and disrespectful I can honestly tell you my world changed. I hated you for exposing my self-indulgent means to manipulate your perception of me despite a concrete facade of empathy for what I assumed you misunderstood during those fateful hours you lay beside me in my room with the sounds of our subconscious swirling around us. As I recall you also sentenced me to an eternity of mockery and dismissal of your intelligence. It is now my life's work to transform my mental reflexes from simple self-preservation into compassion, patience, and respect...thus I submit to you if for no other reason than to crown you as my muse with this covenant.

gavels and bells

2005-08-08T15:49:00.000-07:00

what more can i dream, really? i am sticking to this written confession...it seems words on a screen are all i have some days in the first place. hell, let them arrest me. put me on trial, it will not be the first time. the judge can eat his gavel and call so much wooden defication justice, but i will not be silenced. they are changing the laws (and making new ones!) for people like me and even you too. soon your voice will land you in prison before they are through. you best keep yer mouth shut boy! don't you get it? this is private property. they'll be no dissent in the malls here, see?